tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2115114377096262144.post4586987828980690419..comments2011-12-05T07:14:16.876-08:00Comments on The Big Blog: Unemployment for our nation's veteransshensley5http://www.blogger.com/profile/17037725210760909055noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2115114377096262144.post-76607749689115940972011-11-27T12:48:50.104-08:002011-11-27T12:48:50.104-08:00I really like that you started out with a story. I...I really like that you started out with a story. It kept me interested and seemed real. You might want to change the ending paragraph "hopefully" to a strong active word. Make the reader want to do something not a maybe. Show the reader you mean business! Great topicJillhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10644816392905087656noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2115114377096262144.post-43026805377173476602011-11-27T08:55:26.041-08:002011-11-27T08:55:26.041-08:00Really compelling article. You come right out and...Really compelling article. You come right out and say what you want to get accomplished, which in this particular case, is good for a persuasive article. You did a good job of illustrating the problem and how difficult it is to overcome. <br /><br />In some persuasive articles. I think it's best to remove the first person view point from the discussion. I noticed you used it a fair amount. While I don't know of any hard rules against using first person for persuasion, I'm often times more compelled if I get just the facts without personal interjections. You can still inject opinions and viewpoints, just don't use the word "I." I might be completely off.<br /><br />Good job overall!Michelle Morticehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02217436406228278663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2115114377096262144.post-19386851023369456732011-11-26T14:41:14.870-08:002011-11-26T14:41:14.870-08:00Great topic and an interesting read. You painted ...Great topic and an interesting read. You painted a good picture in the first few sentences. One thing to watch for is consistency in the writing. You use numbers and spelling of numbers when your talking about the percentages. I would suggest using actual number with the % sign to really make those stand out.AdamHartunghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04574205530919720910noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2115114377096262144.post-39472585181778236722011-11-26T12:22:02.141-08:002011-11-26T12:22:02.141-08:00I think this is a very good article, especially si...I think this is a very good article, especially since this is the same topic as mine . The only thing that really caught my eye was the semicolons that Troy mentioned. Since he googled and said it was ok saves me the work. The numbers are drastic when compared to the non military unemployment. You gave plenty of good info, which in turn makes me want to go back and revise mine. Good job.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2115114377096262144.post-7494341221371265742011-11-26T10:22:35.295-08:002011-11-26T10:22:35.295-08:00I liked how the opening and the ending tied in tog...I liked how the opening and the ending tied in together. Very visual statements. I also thought there were some good specific facts. I agree with Troy that the last sentence seems like a run on sentence. Also, I would get rid of the last sentence in the first paragraph. I reminds me of when Andrew says don't tell us what you are going to do, just do it.mhoppenworthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15699424587534784067noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2115114377096262144.post-81822404809670033212011-11-23T07:21:53.849-08:002011-11-23T07:21:53.849-08:00This paper contains a lot of really good informati...This paper contains a lot of really good information. I found it interesting to read and it flowed nicely. There is one sentence that I would move to the top of the paragraph that it is in. "The Unemployment Compensation for ex-service members (UCX) program provides income assistance to unemployed veterans as they search for work. There are many other reasons that the unemployment rate is higher for veterans, but this one appears to be the biggest. " I think that explaining this first would help the reader. <br /><br />I like how you wrapped it up, but I do think that you use the word hope a lot towards the end of the article.Kelsey Gabushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00703990307418622309noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2115114377096262144.post-24749735279512422692011-11-22T00:18:23.741-08:002011-11-22T00:18:23.741-08:00This was a good article. I was unemployed for a lo...This was a good article. I was unemployed for a long time, so it's good to hear about others struggles with the same issue. Overall, this was a great topic, one often overlooked.<br /><br />I noticed in the third paragraph you used alot of semicolons. At first glance, I felt like they were out of place. Therefore, I googled it and it seems you used the semicolon correctly. Congratulations!<br /><br />Another minor detail I noticed was in the last paragraph<br /> <br />"Hopefully, after reading this article you to will go to bat for a veteran,"<br /><br />I feel the sentence should end here and begin with a new one for the next. So replace the last comma with a period.shofe's thought processhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03474435127620369429noreply@blogger.com